Dear Carolyn:
I always thought my younger sister and I were close. When I was pregnant with my first child I expected she would come to the hospital with my parents to congratulate me and be there for me. She didn’t drive the two hours with my parents because she partied too much the night before. I was truly hurt and told her this. She apologized and said she didn’t think I wanted her at the hospital.
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn:
After years of reading your chats with a pit in my stomach, knowing that wanting things to work didn’t make it so, I finally ended a tumultuous five-year relationship six months ago. I have felt great since then!
My father-in-law died seven years ago yesterday. My mother-in-law called my husband first thing this morning, upset because she had not heard from him. I suspect no one called her. My husband said he didn’t even realize yesterday was the day, and if he had, he would have been hesitant to call her for fear of upsetting her.
How should I stay connected to kids who are off at college without being a helicopter parent?
I want to let them gain experience with independence, but sometimes it’s hard to hold my tongue when they do something that seems dangerous: (1) Travel to some countries during junior year abroad without phone or BlackBerry contact; or (2) wander around New York late at night after indie rock concerts.
I’m in college now, but I have two sisters who are still living at home with my father and stepmother. My mom died a few years ago after a long, drawn-out battle with cancer. This was extremely hard on my sisters, who were only 7 years old at the time.
Hello, Carolyn: I have a co-worker in her 30s who is married, looking for a house in the suburbs, planning to have a baby, etc., and she is constantly asking me inappropriate questions.
I am in my 30s, and haven’t taken a traditional path in that I am not married and live alone in the city. I am not sure if she is “sizing me up,” curious about my life choices or just plain nosy. While I would obviously want to find love, I am intellectually and socially fulfilled.
Adapted from recent online discussions.
I’ve been with my boyfriend 11 / 2 years, we live together, it’s a supportive, affectionate relationship. Lately, we’ve been talking about marriage and children (his initiative, and I’m on board).
I’m madly in love with my caring, funny and stable boyfriend of over a year. We’ve been relatively drama-free, despite being long-distance the entire time. We were good friends before dating, so knew quite a bit about each other going into it, skeletons included. There’s no doubt that without the foundation of friendship, our relationship would not be as strong as it is.
After several years of really bad behavior (drinking too much, sleeping with several married men and general promiscuity, dabbling in drug use and generally not being a good person), about six months ago, I finally managed to stop all of this cold turkey. I can’t make up for what I did, but I plan to spend the rest of my life working to be a better person and making better choices that don’t hurt people, one day at a time, of course.
My wife is a doctor, and I am a freelance writer. People frequently say things like, “Must be nice to have a wife who can support you.” I make quite a bit more money than my wife — I’m pretty successful in my field, and my wife works for a nonprofit clinic — but people assume she’s supporting us both.
My boyfriend of five years is going to a major family function and didn’t invite me. So, I made other plans while also considering how exactly to approach this with him — it is very much his personality.
How much time is appropriate to mourn the end of a serious relationship? I had been with my live-in boyfriend for six years when we broke up this summer. Friends were there for me at first, but they have quickly started encouraging me to move on and seem impatient when I say I’m still adjusting.
Dear Carolyn: I have been with my girlfriend for 21 / 2 years. We moved in together 11 months ago with the understanding that if we still felt the same way after a year, we would plan marriage.
I am a home brewer of beer. Besides enjoying the stuff I make, my dad (who died three years ago) and I did it together, and it brings back very happy memories. My girlfriend has complained a lot every time I make a batch (every two months): She says the kitchen is always dirty afterward no matter how hard I try to clean up, and the smell of the hops bothers her and lingers in the air for days.
How much dependency do you think is healthy in a relationship?
Dunno. Since there are different ways to be dependent, you’ll need to define dependency. If you’re speaking in emotional terms, then feeling as if you couldn’t be happy without this person in your life is where I’d draw the line for unhealthy dependency.
My fiance and I have been together for nearly five years. One of our biggest bones of contention has been his relationship with his friends. I feel like he puts them above me. He says he views them more as family than friends and treats them as such. We live two houses away from one of his closest friends. My fiance often goes over to his friend’s house just to hang out.
How do you know when a relationship has become too much work? My boyfriend of three years wants to go to couple’s counseling, and while I am willing to try to work out our problems, I am not optimistic about a couple who have had problems for almost half the relationship and already need counseling.
I’m in a bit of a pickle.
I recently signed a deal with a large publishing house to write a technical book for them. I’m super-jazzed, and I’ve told pretty much everyone about it . . . but I’ve left out my mother.
Adapted from a recent online discussion .
My 26-year-old son’s girlfriend — of four months — is pregnant. I have very mixed emotions about this, mainly because he just met her, and I do not know her. They work and live across the country.
Last week, I took my son to play group and was told by one of the other mothers that he has been biting, hitting and otherwise being too physical with the kids.
Dear Carolyn: Almost 20 years ago, I was part of a large circle of friends in high school. One of the guys and I dated a couple of times in high school and then 10 years later when we were both in the same town. When I say “dated,” that’s all I mean, nothing more.
Hey, Carolyn!
I’m getting wedding RSVPs back, and I found out one of my friends is bringing her newborn with her. We do not want any kids at the event. Period. Any advice before I call her? I’m sure she’ll be understanding, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I like kids but not at such an important event.
Our 25-year-old daughter chose a different lifestyle than we’d imagined for her: She parted ways with college at 20 and has been bartending ever since. She has good management skills and has never been out of work, and we respect the fact that she’s finally responsible for herself.
My husband and I agreed when we married to alternate weekends on doing household-cleaning chores. This has worked okay for the past year.
However, now he never does the chores when it’s his weekend. The past couple of times, I’ve just gone ahead and done them myself. I’ve said: Hey, look how I’ve cleaned the bathroom or kitchen for you. I’ve also said: You know it’s your weekend to do the cleaning because I’ve done it the past few times for you.
My brother and his wife are expecting a little boy this spring. We’re all very excited, and I’ve offered to host the baby shower.
The problem is that the parents-to-be are putting all kinds of conditions on the shower. They want it to be co-ed, because my sister-in-law doesn’t want to have all the attention on her. They also don’t want to open gifts at the shower.
My son is a freshman at an academically challenging liberal arts college. He is telling us that he is struggling to keep up, and, yes, we’ve told him to go to the academic advising office and the like.
When is it okay to ask a partner to change a behavior to make you happy, and when does it cross a line? My partner and I are discussing this honestly and caringly because we have some differences in how we prefer to be treated, and while we both want to make each other happy, we aren’t sure of the line between compromise and changing our “selves” (whatever that is!).
An old friend and I have really changed over the past couple of years. I converted, she became a little more wild. Now, the only thing we have in common is that we are both female, and that we have been friends nearly our whole lives.
I started dating someone whom I like a lot. I’m sure the whole “past relationships” talk is going to come up. I hadn’t dated for 11 / 2 years and had an emotional relationship with a married man. The physical never went beyond kissing. It was something I’ve grown from quite a bit, and I see the error of my ways.
I’m 17 and moving away next fall for school. My older brother, who lives on his own, came out to our family 18 months ago. My mother (very religiously conservative) has “kicked my brother out of the family,” to use her words. She told him he was not welcome at any family functions.
How long does it take for a family to get its groove back after losing a member (to college, not death)? Our daughter left this fall, and my husband, son, and I are missing her tons. Not sure how to establish new routines that don’t include her, we are instead just kind of counting the days till her vacations.
What is the best way to end a friendship: to back away slowly and quietly, or to be upfront about why you are unhappy?
My close friend has become the Patron Saint of Stressed Mothers over the past two years. All of the friends in our group have pitched in to help her adjust to this new lifestyle by babysitting, bringing over meals, listening patiently to all of HER problems, and politely tolerating her constant berating of her husband and own mother for the slightest child-rearing offense.
Adapted from two recent online discussions.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He has always worked, and I’ve always been a dedicated homemaker. I consider this my “job.”
Recently my husband was laid off from his job, and he accepted another position that pays significantly less. Now that my sons are middle-school-age, my husband wants me to consider working part-time for extra money, because I “have so much free time during the day.”
Weddings are going to cost you — and the question of how much isn’t just cash? Here, a round-up of columnist Carolyn Hax’s advice on sticking to a budget, who should pay and how to keep dollars from getting between you and family.
So I did something I know is wrong. During a recent visit, my mother-in-law checked her e-mail and never logged out. Instead of doing the right thing and logging it out, I read her sent mail. I had a hunch she was talking negatively about my husband and me, and unfortunately my hunch was confirmed. She is spreading some pretty nasty lies about us to our family and her friends.
Dear Carolyn: Blargh. I’ve spent the entirety of my two-year relationship on the lookout for the other woman, only to learn this week that I am the other woman. The “main” woman is his on-again, off-again fiancee, currently on, whom I had glimpsed in passing a number of times but always thought was a relative of his.
Wedding traditions aren’t right for everyone. Here, a roundup of advice from columnist Carolyn Hax to readers who want to break with custom.
June 2001: I don’t want dad to walk me down the aisle
I’m getting married next April. My parents have been divorced since I was 11. I’m not that close to my dad, and want to walk myself down the aisle. How do I tell him?
Hello Carolyn:
What do you think about an open marriage? My husband is pressuring me to agree, since I’m seven months pregnant, and he’s frustrated that I’m not fulfilling my “wifely” responsibilities. Granted, our sex life isn’t as fulfilling to him as it was when we were trying to get pregnant, but he’s really laying a guilt trip on me.
Over the years, columnist Carolyn Hax has doled out more than a few helpful hints to would-be brides and grooms. Now, with a bevy of newly engaged couples about to start their wedding planning, a roundup of some of her sage wisdom on how to set boundaries, what you should think about before a destination wedding and how to have the wedding your family will hate.
Approximately 10 years ago, my wife had an affair with our daughter’s soccer coach. Of the nearly 7 billion people on the planet, she was adamant that she had found her “soul mate.”
Not only has she never really apologized for the affair, but I also had to beg her not to leave, primarily to keep our two kids close to their friends and extended family, as we could not afford our neighborhood in a divorce and would have had to move away.
I’m meeting my boyfriend’s parents this weekend. I love him very much and think he’s the future father of my children. I don’t have a great relationship with my parents anymore, so it’s even more important to me that his parents love me. Any advice/words of encouragement?
So, I am dating this guy and I’m in love with him, and I know he loves me back.
But I can’t, I absolutely can’t, stop getting jealous of his ex-girlfriend. He still talks to her because she has problems and he helps her through them. Whenever I know he’s talking to her, I see a picture of her or even hear her name, it makes me sick to my stomach.
You’ve written about relatives who play favorites — that’s me! My older niece appreciated everything I ever gave her. Her younger sister felt entitled to everything and never, EVER said thank you — not even when I left work to pick her up for school when she missed her bus. When she turned 18 I stopped sending gifts, doing favors, everything.
When someone dumps you to stick with his plan of grocery shopping with his ex after you had stayed for the night — it’s time to quit trying to make the relationship work, right?
Dear Carolyn: I found out in August that my wife was having an affair for the past year with a man who is married and allegedly going through a divorce. He has cheated on his wife a lot, I’m told by others.
While I’m away, readers give the advice.
On teenage girls who have sex:
As a successful (academically, professionally, happy with life, etc.) nearly 30-year-old woman who started having sex at 16, I would like to offer reassurance to the concerned adults that early-onset sexual activity does not a failed life make.
On people who see therapy as an admission of weakness:
I’m a guy. I’m also someone you might have met at a Mensa meeting years ago when I was kind of an elitist, arrogant toe rag. Going to a therapist is something I just would not have done; so much of my self-worth was wrapped in being smarter than people that admitting I needed help thinking through something would have been unthinkable.
On moving for a spouse (or becoming a stay-at-home parent):
I moved almost every two years for 20 years because of my husband’s job opportunities, the last 10 years in foreign locations where I couldn’t work. When he finally attained executive status, he wanted to see other women. I went through three years of trying to fix our marriage.
On seeing children as the victims when their parents have affairs:
Because of social stigma, social conditioning and financial dependence, my mother’s best option was to stick it out in a crazy marriage with my angry and childish and self-absorbed father, who is incapable of forming a relationship with any human being.
On being unable to reciprocate lavish gifts:
Giving extravagant gifts repeatedly to someone who cannot ever reciprocate can be a form of control — and manipulation.
On responding to ignorant comments in shared company:
I find “In my experience . . . [contrary example],” or, “The information I have from [other source] . . .,” said calmly and not accusingly, often works.
On feeling invisible after a certain age: A year and a half ago, my husband told me he wanted to leave me because, essentially, he couldn’t stop noticing other women and resented not being able to pursue them. To his credit and I suppose to mine as well, we spent over a year in counseling trying to save the marriage, but shortly before my 50th birthday he told me his feelings about wanting to be elsewhere hadn’t changed. I told him I deserved somebody who felt happy about being with me, and if he wasn’t it, then we both needed to be realistic about that.
